I Hate Election Years

October is the best month out of the year because it's the only month that houses Halloween! I hate it when things get in the way of my enjoyment of the season, and that's why I despise election years. All those damn posters everywhere, radio commercials, tv commercials. ARG! Imagine if they did all this BS in December every other year and fucked up Christmas for everybody.

Anyway, in honor of all the crap I have to put up with this time of year, I decided it was finally time to put forth my ultimate political solution. The only possible way to solve all the crap we get rained down on us from Washington and local capital buildings. You may totally disagree, but I think it's brilliant.

Are you ready? I can sum it up in 1 word.

Bums.

That's right, bums. As in homeless people.

So, what we need to do is, immediatly cease all political campaigning and gather up all of the bums. Next we send every existing person in a significant political office home and replace them with a bum. It doesn't matter which one goes where, but we should probably filter out the really crazy ones and appoint them as ambassadors. You know, to scare folks off a bit. "Don't mess with those American folks, they're craaaaaaazy!" And the rest can draw lots for positions here.

As a bonus, this would even solve two major US problems at the same time: Homelessness AND Political Fucktardery!

I know you're thinking it can't possibly be that simple. It can't possibly be better this way. Well, how could it be worse? Lets draw a few comparisons:

• Most politicians don't have much else better to do. Bums have nothing to do.
• Politicians love to hear themselves and just...won't...stop...talking. Wander around downtown for a while and you'll get the same thing from the homeless folk.
• Bums don't like to work. Honestly, come on, politicians don't work.
• Politicians make careers out of asking for money. Uh, do I really need to make the comparison here?

I could list more, but seriously, those are the main qualifications to being a politician: lots of free time, talk a lot, do little and ask for money. Am I wrong?

Now, since we know they have the same basic qualifications, why are bums the better choice? A few simple reasons:

• Bums are very good at managing little money. They don't need a billion dollars to figure out why birds shit on park benches.
• 100% clean slate. Bums have no existing relationships in government and don't "owe any favors". (really, this is fixed with any sort of clean slate, but I still think bums are the best choice)
• Bums absolutely know what it's like to get fucked by the system.
• Bums can actually relate to people with middle and lower incomes. If you think that ANYONE who has the money to run for any significant political office can honestly relate to the average American person, well, we're going to have some US Ambassador positions opening soon.

So there you have it, my solution to making my October's enjoyable again.

Elect nobody in '06! Pick a bum!

(technically speaking, even if you don't follow my advice, it's what we're going to get anyway)