Won't you be my neighbor?

** warning **
The following views are being expressed by one terribly irate version of me, one rarely seen and never before caught on text. So if you're one of those people that have a nice, calm, quiet guy image of me, and would like to keep that image, I encourage you to stop reading here. I haven't been this mad in a long, long time. And it's probably kind of stupid, so I'd hate to tarnish that image...
** /warning **

Deep breath...rant on!

I've got one nerve, most people have several, but I have one. Or maybe I just have them all bundled up into one, but it doesn't really matter. Sure, there's things out there that irk me pretty good, but there's that one nerve that you just...don't...touch, and my fucking talking ass of a neighbor just took a cheese grater to it.

I know what you're thinking, talking ass? Yes, talking ass. When you look at this woman you don't notice anything strange about her. That is, except for her big, giant, enormous, mutant ass. Judging from my own, I estimate hers to be in the neighborhood of 40 inches across. No, not in circumference, across. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. If anything, I'm being conservative. Honestly, I think I should call Guinness Book. Hey, we've got a world record ass to body ratio over here! Okay, maybe I'm being unnecessarily mean. Maybe she just has elephantitis of the ass and that can't be helped. You know what, no, fuck her. She doesn't deserve the kind and respectful version of myself.

Ever since they moved in she has proven herself to be a world class bitch, so I really shouldn't expect much from her. But I've always been cordial to her, her prick of a husband (I've got a few stories there too, but he hasn't touched THE nerve) and their two kids. One of which I often have the pleasure of seeing in the driveway, sucking the face of her boyfriend like it's a DQ Blizzard. That all ended as of this evening, now the whole lot of 'em can go pack sand for all I care. I'm like a dog and when you make me mad I always come right back with a smile on my face. But every now and then, someone kicks a dog just right and boom, that's it; they bite your ugly face off. And rightfully so you dick, don't kick your dog.

I'm starting to drift, on with the story.

So I get home from work, trudge up the hill to collect the mail and here comes the neighbor driving down the street in her car. I start walking back to my place and she stops next to me and rolls down the passenger window. Now, I'm expecting your normal friendly neighbor conversation, "hey, sucks about the trees don't it?" (I know, enough about my goddam trees. They made the view even worse today btw.) But that's not what I got. No, not even close. This massive glob of Satan's bile mustered up every last little bitch bone in her body and shrieked out the window in an Oscar winning condemning tone, "DO YOU MIND PICKING YOUR DAMN BARK BAGS UP OUT OF MY YARD? THEY'RE BLOWING AROUND OUR LANDSCAPING!" (Which, by the way, looks like shite, but that's off topic)

Allow me to pause right here for a second to give a little background. This next part all happened in my head over a fraction of a second, but obviously that's not possible to convey through this medium, so you get the super slow-mo version. Early over the long weekend, my other next door neighbor put some fresh beauty bark out in front of their place and did the whole section that we share as well (thanks guys, you rock!). Monday I was doing all kinds of stuff around the house and remembered that I had an old bag of bark left over from when I installed the hot tub. So I decided to take that and spread it around on our half of the shared section between us and the other neighbor. And only on our half...didn't want to mess up their "beautiful" landscaping. Plus I only had one bag.

Now, I was sure that when I finished up I threw the bag away, because I am a considerate person. But I'm also a forgetful person, so I'm thinking, shoot, maybe I actually didn't throw it away. And come to think of it, I did see some white trash in the yard next door, but couldn't remember when I first saw it there. It also didn't register at the moment that, oh yeah, the bark I used came in a clear bag.

Un-pause.

I was taken aback with her tone, and what she was saying had confused me a bit. So I start to stumble out, "W-what? Oh, yeah, sure." But before I can really say anything, she's rolling up the window and continuing on down to her garage (which she drives into and closes the door before exiting her car). I walk back towards my place and it slowly dawns on me, no, I know I threw that thing away. Sure enough, I get to the top of my driveway and there are two empty white bags: one by their front porch and the other on the side of the house by their fence. NOT MINE!

Closer examination shows that they are indeed empty bags of bark, which would make them belong to my other neighbor. Again, NOT MINE. But, never being known to be a quick thinker I do something really, really dumb: I pick them up anyway and carry them over to my trash bin. I open the lid and wouldn't you know it, there's my empty bag sitting right there nestled snugly between a bunch of smelly stuff. Continuing my string of stupidity, rather than go dump them on her front porch, I shove them in the trashcan and stomp inside.

I know, this whole thing might have been fixed by me heading right over there and knocking on her door to explain what was up, but I do everything I can to avoid confrontation...call me a pussy, I don't care. Besides, given my inflamed state I couldn't have spoken to her without shaking to the point of verbal explosion. She didn't just touch that fucking nerve, she shredded it. Not only did she accuse me of doing something that I had absolutely no part of, but she did it in the most smug and reproachful manner she could. I've never done anything to give her right or reason to do that. Nothing. She ought to be damn ashamed of herself. Her parents should be ashamed of her and her kids should be ashamed of her. She's fucking scum and if they don't know it, they're even bigger idiots than she is.

So let's do a quick recap. She had obviously previously gone out there and took a good look at the bags to know for sure they were for bark. She then purposefully didn't pick them up (lazy fuck) so she would have reason to bitch about it. Next she assumed they were mine. Pun not intended, but definitely appropriate. (Class, what did we learn about the word "assume" from Silence of the Lambs?) Finally, she had an opportunity to confront me and she let loose. She had the perfect opportunity to kindly ask, "hey, are those by chance your bags that blew into our yard?" Not to mention the fact that she could have simply thrown them away herself (there's a novel thought you dipshit). But no, she jumps right to the harsh accusations even though I've never before done anything which would set the grounds for confrontation. In fact I've always done the opposite.

Does she really think after the way I've been towards them for the past two years that I'd let my trash blow into their yard and then just leave it there? WTF lady? You know, they have a special place for people like you, it's called hell. Why don't you pack up your shit and head over there now? I'm sure you'll fit in nicely. And take the rest of your demon spawn with you. I'll be damned if I'm going to give any of you the time of day now, no matter what becomes of this. You've obviously shown me your true face, and it's one of the ugliest I've ever seen. Get out of here before you taint my kid with your vileness.

I go out of my way to be nice to people, and when they do stuff like this, that's it, done. I have no room in my life for people that are insufferably rude. When you go out of your way to accuse me of something I haven't done... And I'm careful to say "accuse" because that implies a certain tone. If I've blatantly done something wrong, fine, I'll own up to my mistakes. But if you can't say for certain, you sure as fuck better put it nicely. There are few right ways of saying things and there are a lot of wrong ways of saying things. I am very careful with the words I choose, and I expect the same from everybody else. Unrealistic, I know, but that's the way I am. I'll often have a whole conversation in my head before I even start it. Rethinking and rewording before I even open my mouth. Which has some plusses and minuses. The biggest negative being, I often forget what I've actually said. So in my head I'm like, "I know I was thinking about saying <whatever it is>, but did I actually say it? Screw it, I won't say anything."

Sorry, drifting again.

So yeah, I know, stupid huh? All that over two frickin' bags. But hey, entire wars have been fought for dumber reasons. I can't really help it though. I can trace the reason for "the nerve" back to one specific incident in the 3rd grade. Yes, third grade. I won't tell that story, it's not that exciting anyway, but I can obviously say its left one heck of a deep scar that it isn't going anywhere. I guess it's not that bad of a fault to have, at least I can say the one thing that really gets to me. I could probably lump it all into "unfairness", but I'd say it's more specifically the accusations. Drives me up the wall faster than a spider being chased by the vacuum cleaner. "The world's not a fair place." I hate that phrase. Screw you, it could be if people would quit being idiots.

Okay, that's enough unorganized babbling. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening, you, my ears that cannot hear.

Oh wait, one more thing. Hey neighbor?! For the love of god, STOP WEARING STRETCH-PANTS.