Wishful Thinking

Local Idiot Has Balls Stomped By Elephant
SEATTLE (AP) - A local man was treated and released yesterday for injuries sustained when an elephant stomped on his balls.

An eyewitness at the scene said the victim was walking through a parking lot with some friends when an African Bull Elephant came out of nowhere, knocked him over and "stomped on his balls". "Craziest thing I've ever seen!" said Dave, a local grocery store employee, "I've been working here for years and I've never even seen a deer in our parking lot, let alone an elephant. It just came out of nowhere."

According to the victim's friends, he is a bit of a show-off and had recently taken to keying cars. "We always teased him because he had such small balls, maybe that's why he acts the way he does", said one friend. Doctors say he won't have to worry about that for a while though, "they look a bit like coconuts right now; painful, very painful." They expect him to make a full recovery, except for his voice, which they say appears to have been permanently altered to sound like, "well, like someone who just had their balls stomped on by an elephant."

The victim couldn't be reached for comment at press time. We spoke with his girlfriend over the phone and she said she had no comment other than "I hope his [penis] wasn't involved in the accident as well. He can't stand to have that get any smaller, I can barely feel it as it is", quickly adding, "But I don't blame the elephant though. If I didn't know better, I'd think he had a peanut in his pants too."

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Okay, so I made all that up. But if any of you happen to see a news story similar to that, PLEASE let me know. I'd really like to go have a good laugh at the fuckwad that keyed my car over the weekend. Seriously, what is it with you people out here?