On Poo

The men's room on my office floor is highly active. Not like halftime at a football game active, but I'm thinking it's still much more so than your typical restroom. And if there's one thing I know a lot about, well, it's not restroom activity. Anyway, it's pretty much a given that if I start walking in that direction, I'll encounter at least one other person doing the same and also at least one person already in there. It's really not uncommon for me to walk in and find myself in the company of 5 or 6 other people in various states of "doneness". I don't know what the deal is, it's not like we have an unusually high number of people on this floor or anything. (Note to janitorial staff, check the soap and towel dispensers more often, please!)

So, as you can probably imagine, along with this heavy usage comes a high likelihood that when I walk in I'll also be met with an odor that most would describe as...unpleasant. This has caused much debate with myself as to how to best handle that unfortunate situation. (This is the part where I start to sound like a bit of a freak. You know, kind of like Bob in What About Bob?)

If I knew I'd be by myself, I'd happily convert my shirt into a makeshift stank filter and hike it up over my nose. Problem solved. However, as I mentioned, that is highly unlikely in this building. So my only real options are to A, grin and bear it or B, hold my breath and hope for the best.

To be perfectly honest, I'm really not a big fan of option A. If you seriously think about it, who would be? I mean, "smell" isn't something that just is. Smells are physically something. Molecules to be exact. In this case, stinky, stinky molecules. Now, in order for you to smell something, three things need to be in place: a volatile source, air circulation and a receiver, i.e. your nose. When molecules from that thing to make it to your nose, they attach to bla, bla, bla, science, science, bla, and your brain distinguishes the smell.

So what's the important thing to take away from that paragraph? Source. Molecules. Receiver. Pieces (molecules) of poo (source), which came from a butt (root source), are entering your nose (receiver) and taking up camp! This can start a whole other discussion on whether 'tis better to then breathe through your nose or through your mouth. In the case of the latter, these little pieces are going directly into your mouth, waving hello to your taste buds and then heading for a home in your lungs. Yummy. If you go the nose route you at least get a bit of filtration, but at a terrifically smelly cost.

That leaves us with good 'ole option B. Option B is appropriately labeled because B also stands for blue. And that's what you look like if you go this route. But for the skittish, it's really your only option. The problem is, by the time you determine there's an air quality issue, option A has already been going on for a little while. Then, you still have to do what you went in there for, wash your hands, dry your hands and escape. No matter how fast you are, this takes a good amount of time and time really slows down when you're holding your breath. Unfortunately for me I'm a former nicotine addict and therefore don't have the lung capacity I used to back in my swimming days, so I'm even at more of a disadvantage here.

I always give option B the college try, but in the end I usually have to resort to option A, lest I just pass out on the spot. And you really don't want that. There aren't many things dirtier than a bathroom floor.

Anyway, this is the kind of stuff I think about on Fridays when it's raining out and I have a mental block. I really don't have a conclusion here so I'll just stop. Happy restrooming!